Before i got ready to leave, i looked in the mirror and took a long hard stare at the person staring back at me and i actually do not recognise myself, i've heard this said so many times and now its happening to me. What am i doing to myself? I'm allowing a violation of my body because i'm in a confused state of mind? I'm seeking attention in the wrong arms, deep down i think the attention is from the void im trying to fill from the father figure that i havent had all my life, (i suppose Freud is right about the childhood traumas that arise later on in life) But why has it taken a simple look in the mirror to re-evaluate this stage in my life?

I always try to please everbody else, when i'm not happy. I find myself doing so much for others just to fit in. My attitude problem becomes my defense mechanism which i always use when i dont wont to say or express how i really feel so i develop tourette syndrome at times and burst in cursing fits at random times, and you no what, that day was no exception.

I called him up and boy did i let him have it! I had to make sure that i was in control and not let him cluster my thoughts as he has done so many times on previous occasions:
(Note: I wont display any of the cursing, but understand the general gist)
Him: Whats up where are you?
Me: Why is it u just want fun? Are you afraid of commitment?
Him: Nope, i dont really want anything as i cant promise i'll be faithfull
Me:FAITHFULL? So u would rather sleep around and catch sumthin and pass it on?
Him: No..not
Me: (I cut him off) Guys like u make me sick, i dont know why its taken ME THREE MONTHS TO REALISE THIS!!! You need to grow up, stop behaving like a boy, and you might gain respect when you turn in to a man... (bleeped out because of cursing) From the time i met you in the cafe, i should of just carried on about my business, instead of allowing you to play with my mind, BUT NO, you had me convinced that this situation we had was absoulutely 'normal'. I have no clue about your past, all the girls you've 'dealt' with and so on but i do know i will not be lead to doing something with you that im not happy with (bleeped out because of more cursing). I dont know if u get a kick out of toying with females emotions but let me tell you you've messed with the wrong girl! (More cursing)

I went on and on and made him and his ego feel so weak all he could do was mutter sorry after a good 20 minutes. How i felt good on that saturday afternoon! I played the new Mary J album 'The Breakthrough. ' Two songs that were sort of similar that stood out was 'Enough crying' and 'Father in you', but i sort of altered it to my situation. So after an hour of listening to Mary and sharing her pain, i went to the gym, had to work out my frustrations and anger for being played with so bad like that, was there for almost 3 HOURS (An i hiur for every month ive wasted) after that had to call Angela, had to apologise for my irrational behaviour and i made a promise that i would never allow no man to come between us because as the saying goes men come and go but friends are for life.

So let me tell you for all the sisters out there, let no man rule your heart and your head. My situation was a prime example, ladies you have the power to do whatever and do not allow yourself to be emotionally raped into things that you do not want because your body is your temple you should worship it and if and when you feel the time is right, then make sure that YOU FEEL right not him, and dont think i have forgetten the bruthas, don't mess with girls emotions! Point, Blank, Period.
End of Sex-no strings attached

x-soul sista-x

So why do guys say one thing and do another? Still havent figured that out all week. Its been awhile since the last update on this hectic life of mine, but things have progressed and even though he didnt call at the beginning of last week, he eventual called the following monday (i guess he really wanted to give me space because of mother nature) I told him mother nature has moved on and he suggested we met up during the week. Fine with me, i have nothing planned, (Even if i did i would of changed my plan, im sprung yeah i know) So a quick overview of the week:
Monday: Got my call and even though i was over excited, i had to be casual and pretend that i'd forgotten all about him.
Tuesday: Went to work, did i full shift of 8hrs, i was so tired and exhausted. He calls and says if we can meet tomorrow and i was like cool.
Wednesday: So we were supposed to be meeting late afternoon, so i ran some errands in the morning and prepared myself for the event later on, i decided to go to La Senza and buy some Lingerie (matching sets obviously), However, i got a last minute phonecall from him saying his boys came over and we have to postpone the evening. I was gutted, i thought so he couldnt kick his boys out to make time for me? Then im thinkin why do i care? Why am i going to La senza to buy lingerie, to please a man who is not my boyfriend, or partner,? hell we are not even friends more like associates who see each other from time to time? So from Thursday and Friday, i switched my phone off and went to work both days however on Friday, he waited for me after work and said that this saturday we are definitely going to get together, and here i am getting ready to leave...

Do i really want to change my mind about 'our' meeting? Errrmm, let me think, nope, but mother nature decided to rule me last weekend and pay me an unsuspecting visit Sataurday morning, I was kinda of annoyed but maybe it was my blessing in disguise to show me that im not ready, i was still very disappointed. So, i called him up that same Saturday afternoon and told him that i cant come over this weekend because my cycle has started, his tone of voice suggested that this was an excuse i had planned, so i would get his hopes up & leave him crushed with this 'lame excuse.' Well thats his problem, he better get it sorted before we get down to the nasty.

I have come to a realisation that girls think about sex just as much as boys. (or does someone beg to differ?) Proven fact, because its on my mind all the time, i aint even gonna lie, im so curious to what the hype is, i mean really, im like the only girl practising safe sex because im not having sex! Ive read books on it, the positions, 'activities', toys e.t.c. I remember the first time i walked into Ann Summers, (probably 2 years ago) like ohmiga, it was an 'experience' to say the least. The worst part was that i went with my Aunt, yikes, i cringed so hard when we got to the real kinky stuff & super sexy lingerie, that i nearly passed out.

Speaking of lingerie, why do girls where black bras and pick polka dot knickers? I mean get with the co-ordination (i see the real soulsista cumin out in me) I have never worn any mismatch of lingerie, a law should be passed which should allow the metropolitan fashion police to randomnly strip woman to see if they are wearing matching sets. I know there is a large population out there doing that, how do i know? Cuz i work in retail and seeing woman in the changing rooms with non-brazilian waxes makes me sick, as well as BLACK BRAS and PINK POLKA DOT KNICKERS!! (Yes im very opinionated, i think ive failed to showcase that with the situation im in.)

I feel a wave of emotion, passing through me, let me calm down and breathe after 3...1...2...3 ok, where was i before i went off on one....? Errmm, Oh yeah i told him i couldnt do last week and my cycle usually lasts 4 days (too much detail i dont think he was ready for, tough im raw like that.) So i suggested we meet up the following weekend. He said he would call me at the beginning of the week it is now Wednesday (midweek) and no call. Guys, why do u say one thing and do another?
x-soulsista-x

So whatever pleases him, pleases me right?...Well, i dont know why i can't see anything wrong with this, i spoke to my friend Angela who is the only person who knows about this situation ( i have to call it the 'situation' since it's not a relationship) She said that im absolutely insane, he is using me and speeching me to a point that i cant even think logically and like a fool i'm going along with it. I think i'm just weak for him to the point that its so bloody annoying cause i cant see sense!
The odd thing about this situation is that this is so unlike me, i'm the cocky soulsista with an attitude but a weakness for this brutha, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? I have never felt this way with my last two boyfriends and we WERE in relationships so why is my line of thought so clustered? He called me yesterday and said that we should get together..again, with no hesitation i said yes...why..cuz i want what he wants...He said we should get together this weekend after work, did i forget to mention that we work in the same area? Yep, i havent quite explained how we met, have i?
Okay, i was running late for work one day but as a routine i have to get a morning breakfast which is a bagel and hot chocolate i was coming out of the shop and he was coming in, i dropped my purse, he picked it up and i was mesmerized and the rest is history, sounds like a film, cor blimey, we exchanged numbers and we are were we are today.
So where was i? We are meeting this weekend, i dont know if i should tell Angela, cause she hates the situation already, but i'm jus so curious i need someone to talk to, and i dont want any negative feedback and that is what she will give me but i still have time to think if i want to change my mind about our 'meeting' but at this present moment i'm thinking HELL NO!
x-soulsista-x

So I’m seeing this guy, (sort of) i cant say we are exactly in a relationship because he doesn’t want that, he just wants 'fun' as he put it, which basically means sex with no strings attached. So, im willing to go along with it because i personally don't see anything wrong with it except one thing... I haven’t had sex before and now that i shared that personal detail with him, he wants to be the first to 'make an entry'. But, (and i know its wrong to use but after a full stop) i feel that as I’m not in a relationship, how can i have sexual relations with no emotions or feelings involved? Well, im going to have to try my damn hardest to try and not get emotionally attached because we've sort of come to a mutual agreement…Well he said he wanted fun and I agreed. Anyway, i've known him for about three months and we've become kind of close, where stuff has happened...but I’m still driving my 'V-reg'...for now. Deep down my heart is saying its best to be in a relationship but my mind is saying just get it over with it and at this point i choose to listen to my mind hey i want what he wants, so what pleases him pleases me, right?
x-soulsista-x