Before i got ready to leave, i looked in the mirror and took a long hard stare at the person staring back at me and i actually do not recognise myself, i've heard this said so many times and now its happening to me. What am i doing to myself? I'm allowing a violation of my body because i'm in a confused state of mind? I'm seeking attention in the wrong arms, deep down i think the attention is from the void im trying to fill from the father figure that i havent had all my life, (i suppose Freud is right about the childhood traumas that arise later on in life) But why has it taken a simple look in the mirror to re-evaluate this stage in my life?

I always try to please everbody else, when i'm not happy. I find myself doing so much for others just to fit in. My attitude problem becomes my defense mechanism which i always use when i dont wont to say or express how i really feel so i develop tourette syndrome at times and burst in cursing fits at random times, and you no what, that day was no exception.

I called him up and boy did i let him have it! I had to make sure that i was in control and not let him cluster my thoughts as he has done so many times on previous occasions:
(Note: I wont display any of the cursing, but understand the general gist)
Him: Whats up where are you?
Me: Why is it u just want fun? Are you afraid of commitment?
Him: Nope, i dont really want anything as i cant promise i'll be faithfull
Me:FAITHFULL? So u would rather sleep around and catch sumthin and pass it on?
Him: No..not
Me: (I cut him off) Guys like u make me sick, i dont know why its taken ME THREE MONTHS TO REALISE THIS!!! You need to grow up, stop behaving like a boy, and you might gain respect when you turn in to a man... (bleeped out because of cursing) From the time i met you in the cafe, i should of just carried on about my business, instead of allowing you to play with my mind, BUT NO, you had me convinced that this situation we had was absoulutely 'normal'. I have no clue about your past, all the girls you've 'dealt' with and so on but i do know i will not be lead to doing something with you that im not happy with (bleeped out because of more cursing). I dont know if u get a kick out of toying with females emotions but let me tell you you've messed with the wrong girl! (More cursing)

I went on and on and made him and his ego feel so weak all he could do was mutter sorry after a good 20 minutes. How i felt good on that saturday afternoon! I played the new Mary J album 'The Breakthrough. ' Two songs that were sort of similar that stood out was 'Enough crying' and 'Father in you', but i sort of altered it to my situation. So after an hour of listening to Mary and sharing her pain, i went to the gym, had to work out my frustrations and anger for being played with so bad like that, was there for almost 3 HOURS (An i hiur for every month ive wasted) after that had to call Angela, had to apologise for my irrational behaviour and i made a promise that i would never allow no man to come between us because as the saying goes men come and go but friends are for life.

So let me tell you for all the sisters out there, let no man rule your heart and your head. My situation was a prime example, ladies you have the power to do whatever and do not allow yourself to be emotionally raped into things that you do not want because your body is your temple you should worship it and if and when you feel the time is right, then make sure that YOU FEEL right not him, and dont think i have forgetten the bruthas, don't mess with girls emotions! Point, Blank, Period.
End of Sex-no strings attached

x-soul sista-x